Clothing: Day 3

Here is some very honest, from the heart, hard to talk about truth…

I am a plain jane girl. I am not one of those “naturally beautiful” girls that roles out of bed looking like she could walk down a runway. I am very plain and simple and use a lot of work to get “pretty” to leave the house. I rely on jewelry, make-up, cute hair things, or darling shoes to make the outfit.  This morning I got up and put my dress (short simple sundress) and looked in the mirror at my stick straight, no volume hair and actually audibly said, “blah.”  I very much dislike this about myself.

I find a very thin line, a gray area if you will, in the zone of trying to make myself a better, healthier me and just constantly being disappointed that this is my body. I know this is not how God wants me to view myself, and boy do I pray daily that this changes in me.  I spend lots of time in prayer (and lots of tears shed) that my daughters don’t ever, EVER struggle with this.

I had a moment about 3 years ago that would forever change my thinking. I was getting ready in the bathroom one morning, putting on my make-up and Eleni (almost 2 at the time) was in there with me as she was almost every morning. Addi was about 4 months old and I was desperately trying to loose the baby weight, and it was not coming off nearly as fast or easy as I would have liked. I looked over to see Eleni standing on the bathroom scale and thought “how cute. She is imitating my morning routine.”  And then she said it. In her very cute, dramatic, imitating, wants to be just like her mommy voice… she looked down at the scale and said, “oh man.”  It felt like someone punched me in the gut.  I still remember the feeling so clearly. Did she have a clue why she was saying it or even what “oh man” meant when you look down at the scale numbers?… I honestly don’t think so. But that moment I was made very aware that I am a mirror of how my children, especially my daughters, will view themselves. I vowed at that point to not let them see that struggle of mine.

I have read several mom accounts of being able to stand and look in the mirror naked and be able to compliment each of the body parts that God has given you. Or looking at your stretch marks and doughy stomach and feel so blessed and free that God gave them the opportunity to birth their children, and these are just reminders of that.  I love this for them. I soooo wish I was there. But I am not. I have tried this, I honestly have. I have locked myself in the bathroom and tried to find the positives in what stands staring back at me in the mirror and I can’t. I usually just get so disgusted and disappointed that I can only make it through one or two body parts before I give up and walk away.

Now, before everyone starts to jump down my back for not being thankful for what God has given me… I want to reassure you… I know-I KNOW- that I am blessed beyond words! I am healthy (for the most part), I have a wonderful, caring, healthy husband. I have 4 beautiful, healthy, happy children.  I know I am so blessed. I can not even fathom what it would be like to experience a sick or injured child or spouse. And to those people that have done it or are doing it now… you are my heroes. I am so thankful for the wonderful blessings God has put in my life, but this is still my struggle.

I don’t want this to be my struggle. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, “you are a child of God and you are so beautiful” and really believe that it is true. But I am not there.

I am spending a great amount of time in prayer this month on this struggle. If this is something you struggle with, please let me pray for you while I am praying for my heart this month. If this is something you have struggled with in the past, and have been freed of it… please talk to me. I would love the insight of someone who is on the other side. I am trying, but I am just not there yet.

Thanks for reading and joining me on the journey.