So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, DO IT ALL for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Me Month: Day 25



I may or may not have cheated. I have the guilty feeling, so I am pretty sure that implies that I did. It’s the food!!! Why, oh why, do I struggle so much with food!?!!? I didn’t go in to it with the intention to cheat. While away on my girl’s weekend I had a granola bar with chocolate chips in it for a snack. That didn’t feel like cheating. I said no “desserts” or soda during the week. I would never choose a granola bar as a dessert, therefore… no guilt. Well, I have been eating a LOT of popcorn this month (because sugar treats are out of the question)… I had been adding rasins to them as sort of my "sweet" aspect to the sweet and salty combo. Well... I found a opened bag of M&Ms that a child (or possibly Satan.. I kid... kind of... :)) had left on the counter, so I added about 15 M&Ms to my ex-large bowl of popcorn.  It really didn’t feel like cheating until I got to the end… there were 3-4 lonely M&Ms left… no popcorn… and I ate them in all of their chocolatey goodness… and then... the guilt.

Here is the thing… this fasting process, when all said and done, will have consumed 11 months of my life (9 months of fasting with a week break in between each one). I don’t want to walk away from it knowing I didn’t give it 100% of my effort. I know it was 4 M&Ms… and that doesn’t make this all for not… but I just don’t want to become lazy or start justifying things in the final stretch. I know I have said it a million times, but this experience has truly done a number on my life. I feel closer to God than I have ever felt in my life… yet I feel I have distanced myself from people. So if you are a reader of this blog… will you pray for me? Pray that I do these final months of the fast to the best of my ability, and that God is glorified through the process. Pray that I learn all He would have me to learn, and share it to the best of my ability.

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Me Month: Day 22



What a fantastic weekend!!! It was full of powerful, hilarious, Godly women and exactly what I needed!!! I spent the weekend in Kansas City with 3 amazing women and a ton of great speakers. Beth Moore, Lysa Terkhurst, Jen Hatmaker, Kathy Lipp, Elisa Morgan… and those were only the speakers in the main sessions!

Couldn't have asked for a better group of women to go with!!! Kari ann, Jessica, Dana... three of the most beautiful women-inside and out!!! 
It was a phenomenal weekend full of learning and spiritual rejuvenation… exactly what I needed. There were so many topics I listened to speakers speak on (3 full days of workshops!!!) that there is no way I could possible list all the fantastic things I learned. I went to classes with names like Good Girls can Have Great Sex, More Mama Less Drama, She Did What She Could, No Ordinary Marriage, and Connection over Comparison. A wide variety of topics with loads of fantastic information.  But since it is “Me” month, I will let you in on a few things I took away from the class that I felt addressed the ME issues in my life: Connection over Comparison.
My best friend Dana came in from Colorado!!! So glad to experience the weekend with her!

 I am going to be super honest right now… when I walked into the class and saw the speaker my initial reaction (in my head… I wouldn’t dare say it aloud) was this: “Great. Some cute, little size two blonde (that looks remarkably like Kate Hudson) is going to tell us how to have great self confidence. What could she possibly know about struggling with that? Look at her. And she is probably a famous author of some great book… and funny too… awesome.” So that, my friends, is the awful, ugly, bitter truth of a look at the inside of Cassie’s brain. Turns out… this was exactly the class I needed. :)
The Speaker was Shauna Niequist, author of Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet. Turns out… she was awesome! She had loads of good practical information that was kind of a slap in the face during this class… but here are the three things she said that are just sticking with me days after the class was over.

First fabulous wake up call- You know you have an issue with YOURSELF when you say about other people: “it must be nice”. For example: when you see a friend (or not a friend) that is well rested and you think to yourself, “it must be nice” to get some sleep.  Or if you talk to someone who is exercising, or eating right, or not so busy… whatever it is … when you use the phrase (whether aloud or in your head) “it must be nice” about someone else- take lessons. STOP!!! Stop being jealous or envious and learn from that person! Let that feeling of jealousy be a teacher. Figure out who it is that sets off the “it must be nice” alarm in your head and take lessons. That may mean you are giving up something, or slowing down, or not being involved in everything… but you have to make choices. So if you want life to be “nice” then figure out who you are dissing with the “it must be nice” phrase… and take lessons!

Second thing… stop assuming. Stop assuming that because that mom you see in the grocery story that is skinny, has cute jeans, and her children are adorable and well dressed with perfect hair… she has no problems. (Whoops! Did I do that when I walked in the door to the Kate Hudson look-a-like speaker? Yikes! Insert slap in the face here.) We (and by we, I mean me) need to stop assuming that because someone appears to have it together on the outside, they aren’t struggling. EVERYONE has a struggle. Whether big or small, everyone is dealing with something. Let’s not continue to assume that because someone is not (or appears not to be) struggling with the same thing you do (self image, children’s horrible behavior, infertility, health issues, financial problems, no friends… insert your struggle here) that they don’t have a struggle. Everyone struggles with something.

Third thing (and really there is so much more… but these just stand out) was this: If you are good, then I can’t be. This is a lie!!! How many times do we do this in our heads? If you are trying to loose weight and struggling, but someone else is having it fall of rapidly… we compare. If you are trying to get pregnant and someone else does… we compare. If you see a group of girlfriends hanging out and are struggling to make connections… we compare.  God never said, “I have 46 people to hand out the “you get a baby” card to. Sorry… you were number 47 in line.” No!!! Just because someone else has something, or gets something that you want or are striving for DOES NOT mean that diminishes your chance of getting it too. I do this all of the time! I think, someone else already wrote a book, or sold their crafts, or ran fast, or lost weight, or whatever it is that I am struggling with in the moment…. So automatically that means I shouldn’t/can’t do it. That is a myth. The truth is ABUNDANCE!!! There are an abundance of blessings for everyone. God decides who gets what and when, but just because someone else has or is something you want… it does not mean that you won’t be/get that.

The conference was amazing and there is some much more I would like to share… but this post is already way too long (kudos to you if you are still reading). BUT… I can’t leave this post without letting you know…. I GOT TO MEET JEN HATMAKER!!!! Yes my friends, that is right! The lady that wrote the book Seven that inspired this crazy fasting experience, the woman that has forever changed my life… I met her! It was like a 1.5 minute encounter, but I met her none the less. She signed my book, I told her she changed by life, I got a little teary eyed, and then we mutually agreed that food month was the hardest month! :) It was glorious and I am so glad I got to experience it!

Me and Jen Hatmaker!!! Just as beautiful and hilarious in person as in all of her books!
Thanks for joining me on this amazing journey!


Monday, October 28, 2013

Me Month: Day 16



I ran a marathon… and let me tell you, this is a miracle!

This was my second marathon. I ran Chicago back in 2011 and swore I would NEVER run one again. At the time I thought it was the worst experience of my life (worse than child birth). I actually looked at strangers about mile 22 and told them “this is the stupidest thing I have ever done.” No lie. I did lots of walking toward the end, I lost 2 toe nails, I hurt for 2 weeks after, and I never had that “I just accomplished something awesome” feeling when I finished. When I started training the first time, I did it with the intention of loosing some post-baby weight and enjoying some alone time. It was an 18 week training schedule to get to the marathon, so I thought surely in that time of running multiple times a week and long distances I would lose a TON of weight (especially since I was doing nothing before I started). I lost exactly 1 lb in my 18 week journey, ran a slower race than I wanted, and felt no sense of accomplishment… this to me was a good indicator that I should never do it again. :) Well… 2 years later I decided I wasn’t going to let that be my only long distance experience… so I signed up to run Chicago again.

First reason this is a miracle… I am not a runner. Ok, let me re-phrase… I don’t love running. I started running about three years ago, after I had Addi. It was an easy way to take some time for myself (though as stated in an earlier post… I never really looked forward to the running part, only the being alone part). I’m not very fast and I have had lots of running “injuries” over the last couple of years that made running a not very pleasant task. Any where from shin splints to IT band issues to falling in the dark creating bone exposed and stitches in both knees. It has been an adventure getting to marathon day with all the little annoying running injury hiccups along the way.

Second reason this is a miracle… Exactly 2 months before race day I had emergency surgery with some pretty massive internal bleeding. I lost a lot of blood. My hemoglobin level was a 7… which apparently is the level that they give you a blood transfusion (I really know very little about this… just relying on what the doctor told me) but they decided that since I was “young” and “active” (again… I use those terms very loosely… I wouldn’t consider myself those things but that is what the doctor categorized me as) they would try to get by without one, though it would take “quite a while” to regain my strength.  This was no lie. The first week after surgery I was taking 2-3 naps a day (about 2 hours long). Walking up and down my stairs required me to sit and rest. I asked my doctor and the anesthesiologist what the likelihood of me being able to run a marathon in 2 months would be… they both laughed. The anesthesiologist actually said, “if you are super woman… maybe” and my surgeon said, “you can run, but have your escape route planned because you won’t be able to finish.”

I attempted to run for the first time about 3 ½ weeks after surgery… it lasted half of a mile and then I literally had to stop and went home and took a nap… it did not look promising. Over the next 4 ½ weeks I took it day by day (and prayer by prayer) when it came to running. Every time I would increase my mileage I would think there is no way I will be able run one step further next time… but some how, by the grace of God, each long run was accomplished.

Side note: I am in no way a running expert… but let me give you one piece of advice… you should never try to train for a marathon in 4 weeks. There is a reason that there is an 18 week training schedule. It is hard on your body and should not try to be crammed into a short period of time… the running from 0 to 26.2miles I mean.

So over this short period of time, I found a new appreciation for running. I went from not being able to walk up and down the stairs without being tired, to a 20 mile training run. I am still not fast and I still don’t love it, but I can appreciate the gift of running that God has given to me. I literally could NOT run, physically could not do it… that gave me a new perspective. For me, I had to have the ability to do something taken away from me, before I truly appreciated it. And that, my friends, has given me a new perspective on a whole realm of things. There are so many things that I haven’t truly appreciated, that I can not fathom having taken from me.

So race weekend came. Eric and I headed to Chicago. It was a hard decision, but I decided that I was just going to be thankful for God letting me get this far, and if I had to bail in the middle… I was going to be ok with it. So the night before the race (after I had my lovely pasta dinner for my “carb load”) I spent a good portion of it throwing up. I was so sick. I didn’t know if it was nerves or something I ate, but I hadn’t thrown up that much in a long time. It did not look promising for the early rise for a marathon the next morning.

The next morning we headed to the “L” to get to the starting line. I ate 2 peanut butter crackers, in fear of throwing up again. Eric had his plan worked out and he was going to see me every 4 miles (this way I had an escape route if I couldn’t finish). I was very overwhelmed by emotion (which is weird… I don’t find running to typically be an emotional experience for me) throughout the entire race. At the beginning when all you could see was a sea of people forever (49,000 runners), during the middle witnessing all kinds of husband/wife duos, running partners, sisters, and the crowd… seriously the BEST cheering crowd a runner could ask for… and then came mile 17. I had just seen Eric at mile 16 (he is the best cheerleader/supporter by the way… could not have done it without him) and I was really, really tired. I had no energy and I knew I had 8 miles to go. Up to this point I had done no walking… but mile 17… I started to cry. I really did not think I would be able to finish. So I walked for 1 minute and I decided in that time that when I saw him again at mile 20… I would be done. So I started running again and I was just praying for every thing I could see or feel. I prayed for the other runners, I prayed for people in the crowd, I thanked God for my ability to make it this far, for giving me legs to move, lungs to breathe, eyes to see where I was going, a husband that loved me and was proud of me, the will to try when I didn’t want to… and something truly miraculous happened… I had an energy come from somewhere only God could provide. I ended up having a faster pace (and a bigger smile) the last 8 miles than any other time during the race. I finished my 26.2 miles… and I did it 37 minutes faster and with an INSANELY better attitude and heart of gratitude than I did it the first time. When I crossed the finish line, I immediately burst into tears. I could not believe God allowed me to do this.

It was truly a miraculous adventure. I am so thankful God allowed me to experience it.

Thanks for joining me on the journey!


Friday, October 11, 2013

Me Month: Day 12



Fastitude- The selfish attitude of entitlement that you develop when you do something like name a fasting process “Me” month.

So I have had major “fastitude” this week. I know it is kind of ironic, being that I have just been shown many ways how things don’t work when they are about “me”… but I developed it none the less. It has been a stressful week at my house with lots of things going on, none of which are fasting goal oriented (which was frustrating to me). I also haven’t felt well all week, so that it was started it all. Busy, stressed, and feeling crummy!

My first big pouting session came on Monday when I discovered the candy bar (candy bar really doesn’t do it justice… it is like a little slice of caramel filled heaven) that I had purchased for my “Sweet Sunday” and then forgot to eat. So now this beautiful candy bar gets to stare at me and taunt me all week… the week that I would like a candy bar the size of my head!

The next thing was a fundraiser for school. Our family has been waiting for a special occasion to go to Orangeleaf Frozen Yogurt place… it has been here for well over 5 months and we have yet to go. Well there was a fundraiser for our kid’s school there on Wednesday. What?!?!? Wednesday?!?!? That is not a “Sweet Sunday”! So I got to go watch everyone enjoy there yummy goodness while I sat and pouted that I didn’t get to participate. It didn’t help that my husband said, “it is so good. I want to tell you it is not great so you don’t feel like your missing out, but I can’t… it is REALLY good.” Thanks hubs.

Kids enjoying their choices.
Eric's chocolate snicker doodle with brownies and Reese PB cups!
I was really tired and not feeling super great this week, so I didn’t get a ton of stuff done (that should have already been done) earlier in the week. So today, I spent my ENTIRE day cleaning. Scrubbing floors, laundry, dishes (and because the dishwasher has been broken since Waste month… I have been hand washing everything for 3 months now- but whatever), bathrooms, washing windows… all with my little helper (that most people with small children realize is not really “help”). So knowing that my husband had off on Friday… I was expecting a full day of kid-freeness to craft (because those 9 hours have to be found somewhere). Then I get a text late in the afternoon to see if he can spend the day on the river with a friend. Hold. The. Phone. He wants a day off to do something for himself?!?!? In his defense… I never asked, just assumed, that I was getting a kid-free day… and he had no idea that I just spent my entire day cleaning the house to earn that kid-free day. But I was mad none the less.

By the time he got home I was not pleasant person to say the least. He was taking kids to soccer because I had to run errands for school projects. I started to yell, then realized I was yelling… so I started talking to him with my teeth clenched so tight that it literally hurt… I think when you talk in such a hateful tone… it kind of defeats the purpose of “no yelling”. So I left. I did my shopping and met up with a friend. I was expressing my aggravation of my horrible week/day and the words, “I don’t think he realizes it is ME month” came out of my mouth. And then the clouds parted and the Lord said in the holiest of holy voices, “Oh no she didn’t!”  Ok… so that last part didn’t happen… but it kind of felt like it. I think by titling the month ME month… I kind of lost sight of the goal. I went from making me the best me I can FOR God… to why is everyone not catering to me this month?!?!? It’s about me, right?

So after a good long prayer session in the car, and a trip to Dairy Delight for a hot fudge milkshake for the hubs as a peace offering… I think I am back on track.

I have a kid-free weekend coming up with my husband that I am so excited about! And though it will be very enjoyable to have some alone time… there are plenty of opportunities built in to make it about God… and for that I am very thankful.

Here is to keeping my focus on the intent of the month, and not making it about “me”!

Thanks for joining me on the journey.