Clothing: Day 20

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have had a virus on my computer, so I haven’t been able to journal as a go this past week… so this might be a long post. :) There is not a whole lot of new news to share with you on the clothing front. I am still here, still in the same 9 articles of clothing I have been for the last 3 weeks. :)  It really doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I am tired of it, I may or may not have worn the same outfit for 48 hours straight while Eric was out of town and we didn’t leave the house, I finally used my article #9… the swim suit over the weekend, I had to sit in a sheet for the second time to wash all of my dirty clothes (this has nothing to do with my lack of planning or procrastination I assure you), and I think I might have a clothing burning ceremony when this month concludes… I never want to see these items of clothing again! Other than that… still truckin’ along.

Pool side... finally utilizing the swim suit choice!

Sunday I had a couple of firsts. Eleni (my 5 year old) had a major melt down when trying to drop her off at Sunday school. My “out of the moment” take on the situation… Eric had been gone for several days at this point, she was starting school (this is a brand new thing for her… I don’t send my kids to pre-school outside of the home so she was nervous and scared and excited all at the same time), and we had stayed up late the last 3 nights so she was tired.  A melt down was sure to happen, just never would have guessed it to the degree it escalated to.  My “in the moment” take on the situation… this is mortifying, where have I gone wrong in my parenting, I have ruined this kid by 5… might as well through in the towel now and save ourselves years of therapy!  Without giving you a play-by-play of our battle, I will just tell you this… My five year old had the biggest screaming, full out, kicking her feet, telling me she “wished I wasn’t her mommy” and “I only love my daddy” (thankfully we had made it to the car by this point) fit I have ever seen outside working in a behavior disorder classroom during student teaching. We were both in tears and exhausted by church’s end. She did come around and apologize (hours later) and has told me numerous times since that she is “really sorry I said that and I want you to be my mommy until you die” so I think she is truly remorseful, but man that was a hard first for me. I have never had one of my children talk to me like that. I hope the Lord is not trying to prepare me for what is to come.

Sunday night I had a kid get lost… for real. Like almost a mile from us, by himself, knocking on strangers doors in a panic kind of lost. Terrifying, never want to relive it again moment.  He was shaken (so was I) but it all worked out and he learned some valuable life lessons in the process. I don’t think he feels quite so invincible now… which I think is good. A little bit of fear in him keeps him from doing something dumb. As long as he is not afraid (which I don’t think he is), I think a little bit of fear is good. These things always seem to happen when Eric is out of town. 

So between the 5 year old bringing me down and losing a kid in the woods, I totally earned mom of the year by sun down on Sunday (total and complete sarcasm intended).

Tuesday was a big day… sent my third kid to school. Who ever said it gets easier the more you send is a big fat liar.  She was soooo excited, but nervous… but there were no tears at drop off. Let me rephrase… Eleni did not cry when I dropped her off. I was basically running out of the gym as fast as I could as to not let her see me cry. I didn’t even make it to the front door of the school before the tears started flowing. I was bawling like a baby by the time I got to the car and called Eric. He of course laughed at me, and reassured me she would be fine. She was, of course, but for some reason it is so tough for me to let them go. She just seems too little. Another one out the door. Only one left at home (insert Cassie weeping in the floor in the fetal position here).

Eleni's first day of summer school.

So amid all the crying on Tuesday, I got a super fantastic call! If you are reading this, you most likely know me, and that probably means you know my story… but just in case you don’t… I have been dealing with a reoccurring brain tumor for almost 11 years.  It has come and gone 5 times. I don’t normally publicly announce it, or even publicly ask people to pray for it (though I do have a small group of women that I rely on heavily to pray and keep updated and I am so very thankful for them). I don’t mind talking about it if people ask, I just have an issue with people feeling sorry for me. I don’t like it… at all. So I choose to fight it in semi-silence. :) It is not a cancerous tumor (Praise the Lord!). It is benign, but even benign tumors in the brain come with their own set of problems. 

We found the tumor before Eric and I got married.  We spent the first year on medication trying to get rid of it, but at the time it was big (for that kind of tumor anyway) and because of where it was, it causes all kinds of problems with the reproductive system and hormones. About 6 months into our marriage they told us that I was not responding to the medication how they had hoped, and that children would not be possible. We were of course devastated. Obviously God had other plans, so even with the doctors saying “I have no idea how this happened” we were blessed with Brayden. We also got the “count your blessings because it’s a miracle and won’t happen again” speech… and low and behold, God gave us 3 more little miracles. :) 

In between each of the pregnancies the tumor came back, and then would disappear during pregnancy, then come back, then disappear… you get the idea.  Each time the tumor came back we would treat it with medications that my body did not respond to very well. I had horrible side effects and was very sick while on the medication. That becomes more and more difficult the more little people you have running around to care for. Every time the medication would shrink the tumor to the point of my hormone levels allowing me to get pregnant, and some how during pregnancy the tumor would shrink to nothing (this is truly miraculous, because the body should do the opposite and make the tumor grow rapidly during pregnancy).

So after Addi (our youngest) came, the tumor once again came back we decided that we couldn’t just keep having babies forever to keep getting rid of this thing. So for over two years now we have been trying to treat it. We have used medication (the kind with the not so pleasant side effects) we have tried the holistic approach (changing the diet and exercise regimen) we have tried a lot of things just to (devastatingly) watch it continue to grow.

I need to say this… I have had a lot… TONS… of conversations with God about this tumor over the last 10 ½ years. I have had some very low periods when dealing with it. I have questioned God. I have been mad at God. I have also (always in hind sight) seen the good that can come from these low points. I have learned so many lessons in life that I probably wouldn’t have if I had been dealing with the tumor. But I have always asked Him to take this burden from me. I don’t want to have it, I don’t like it, I have already learned many lessons from it, I feel like I am failing as a wife and a mother when I am dealing with it… please Lord just take this tumor away and never let it come back. 

A couple months back I was having a conversation with one of my very closest and wise friends, Missy (also council member) about being discouraged and nothing working. She said to me, “maybe this is just your thorn in the flesh… something you will just have to deal with.” I super duper did not want to hear that!  I don’t want it to be my “thorn in the flesh” I want it to go away so I can be who I am “suppose to be”. But that is what good friends are for, to tell you the hard truths, even though it might not be what you want to hear. 

Fast forward to this week…. I don’t sleep well when Eric is gone. And when the computer has a virus, and you don’t have TV, you get a little more bible reading time in. :) So Monday night, I decided to refresh my memory of good old Paul and his “thorn in the flesh”. So I flipped over to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It doesn’t say what Paul’s thorn is…and there is lots of speculation on what it could have been. But here is what I DO know… 1) this is something from Satan, it is not something God gave him, Satan did. 2) He did not want to deal with it… he pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away. God said no. 3) God’s grace is sufficient… He says so, and so it is.

So Monday night I had a nice long conversation with God (I knew I was getting test results on Tuesday), and for the first time in 10 ½ years I did not ask God to take the tumor away. I told Him, if this was to be my thorn, then let me handle it with grace and let Him be glorified in it. If this was what I am to deal with, let me handle it better. Let me boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. And that was that. I handed it over to Him and for the first time in 10 ½ years, I had peace and no anxiety about the results coming.

Tuesday I got the call. All my levels are completely normal (this has never happened… even when the tumor was gone before) and it appears the tumor is gone. It might be the new meds. It might be the power of prayer. I truly in my heart think it was God waiting for me to turn it over to Him. To say to Him, Not my will (please, please just take it away) but YOUR will be done. I finally had peace with God making the call, not me. And so He showed me, He does indeed call all the shots and have all the power to do whatever He wills.

This fast is changing my life. It is changing my perspective. It is changing my relationship with the Lord.  So if I needed to turn off my TV, get rid of a bunch of stuff, and wear the same dang thing everyday for a month… then I am thankful for the process. Can’t wait to see what wonderful things are to come. 

Thanks for joining me on the journey!