Roles/Responsiblities: Day 25

When this month started this month, my biggest area of “Holy Cow… I am really failing in this department of my life” was in the area of friendship. I have felt like I have always struggled with friendships with women (this is why 90% of my friends in high school and college were males… they are just less complicated). I think the reason I felt like I was failing in this role is because I didn’t really understand it and its diversity and flexibility. 

When I started this month I sent out emails to friends (of all ages) of whom I felt would give me honest and thought out answers (this also included all my council members). There were lots of things that were similar… the things you would expect… loyalty, honesty, be able to hold you accountable… those sorts of things. But I didn’t expect all the differences that came along with it. Things from, “there should be some sort of physical touch when you encounter” to “you need to have a common hobby that you can do/discuss together.”  It made me very aware that different people need different things to make them feel fulfilled in a friendship. So it made me really evaluate what I needed and/or felt I should give to a friendship.  This started stressing me out. Does this mean I have only 2 friends (that sometime I question if they are my friends)?!?!? Are my expectations too high? Do I scare people away? What is wrong with me? Do I need therapy?!?!? 

And then I had a lovely conversation with a good friend, followed by an email with an attachment from a recent article from a MOPS newsletter. It was written by Cheryl Pacilio and Jody Antrim and was a lovely explanation of friendship. It described friendships like the ripples in the water… there are so many rings and each one represents “levels” of friendship. The first line of the article actually said, “Friendships are all important, but they are not all equal- and that’s okay!” What?!?!? So here I am thinking I am really stinking it up in the friendship department because I am not “close” with all these people that I want to be (and want them to be) a part of my life… when in all reality, that’s okay… healthy even! I know it seems obvious… I guess I just thought in my small little brain, that all these people that weren’t my “go to” girls.. .the ones you call if you have a problem, or talk to everyday, or rely on for Godly advice, see their messy house, steal their kids to give them a break, vacation together… these people I guessed/assumed weren’t my friends. Just people I know… acquaintances really. But this article did such a great job of explaining that these people are my friends, they are just a different kind of friend than my “core group” of girls… and that is okay! (Yeah for having friends!)

Here is something else I was made aware of in my friend investigation this month. We are human. I know… shocking statement! But we are and that means we will all screw up at some point (some of us more often than others :)). So friends are going to do things that disappointment me and let me down, and I am going to do things that disappoint or let my friends down. This is life.  It doesn’t mean we are not friends, it means we are human.  It doesn’t give us an excuse not to try to be the best friend we know how to be, but simply allows for a little bit of grace amongst ourselves. There are also friendships that you have to give a lot more that you get, and friendships that you get a lot more than you give. There will be friends that move out of the core circle of friends… because lets face it… life happens and most of us are not lucky enough to have our best friend from kindergarten still in your core group of girls in our 30s…. and friends that move into the core group of girls that maybe have not always been so close. This is life and (according to the article) it’s okay!

I am so thankful for all my different “ripples” of friends. One of my favorite Bible verses that can be used in EVERY role of my life is Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. It is that simple in every area of your life. If you want your children to treat you with respect, you should treat them with respect. If you want your husband to show you he loves you and do sweet little things for you, you should do them for him. If you want a friend to be loyal and trustworthy, then bi-golly…  you better be that for her! The Bible doesn’t say, “Do to others as they do to you”… that is not how it works. You have to give your best to people (whatever role you might me talking about) regardless of what they give to you… and sometimes that is really, really difficult… but we are to do it anyway because God tells us to.

This month was difficult to hear some hard truths, but has been so rewarding in the things I have discovered about myself… in every role of my life.

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Roles/Responsibilities: Day 21

I have been horrible about blogging during this fast (though I am learning a lot and trying to implement)! Life has happened and blogging just took a back burner to other things this month. We have had sick kids, late nights, half days because of heat… those result in fun summer like things in the afternoon that throw your schedule off, tomatoes that ripen and are ready to be canned, Cardinals games, soccer games and practices for 3 little people, and just life in general… so sorry for the nonexistent blog this month.  I will try to address my findings in each area this week (since we are on the last week of the fast at this point).  :)

Early release Awesomeness!!!

Family Date Night to the Cards Game!

So motherhood… this is an area that scares me to death! When you think about the responsibility of being a parent and that you potentially can ruin all these little peoples lives… well lets just face it… that’s a lot of pressure! I don’t want to screw up anyone’s life… especially all these awesome little people God gave to me!

So I started the month by interviewing my kids. I asked them what they think a “good mommy” is or what she would do… even if it is things I don’t do. Here is what I got:

A Good Mom will:

-Treat her kids with respect

-Get them to school on time

-Protect them from villains or bad guys and all harm

-Take you to do fun thing with her

-Cooks good food

-Recycle (thank you last month’s fast!)

-Do crafts with her kids

-Remind kids to do chores

-Be kind to her kid’s friends

-Remember “God gave us to you”

So this is the compilation of what a good mom looks like from the 3-8 year olds opinions in my house. I was really surprised that “no yelling” didn’t make the list… one of the boys requested it as a birthday gift on their last birthday… no yelling for the day… no mom guilt at all on that one!  My favorite one is the last one… “Remember God gave us to you”…Landen came up with that I believe. How easy it is to forget in all the chaos and “work” of being a parent that they are a gift from God that we should cherish and enjoy.

Parenting is a hard gig.  I feel like I am failing at it about 90% of the time.  I think a lot of my problem has to do with two things…the pressure of time and the comparison to the “other mom”. 

When it comes to time… I feel like you only get 18 years with these people to instill in them what is important and shape them and guide them in how to be a person with noble character and survive in this world that we live in before they are on their own. 

It is kind of like taking a timed math test… I know all of multiplication facts, but when you ask me to do 50 of them in a minute, I start freaking out! These problems that I know the answer to, I all of the sudden forget under the pressure of having limited time to complete them. Add in a hot school day, or a kid tapping his pencil, or having an itch in my shoe that I just can’t reach… those distractions make it 10 times worse! I think parenting is very similar. I know what I should do, how I should respond to my children when they misbehave, or have a problem, or want to spend time with me when I am doing something else… or simply the things I would like to teach them and do with them… but the pressure of the clock and all the distractions of life make it difficult for me to always do the things I know I should do. So sometimes I yell, sometimes I just do what I selfishly want to, or what is easiest in the moment. I make decisions that I wouldn’t make if I was removed from the situation and looking at it from the outside. I am so thankful for God’s grace that He just keeps giving me chance after chance to love these little people He has so abundantly blessed me with.

Comparison… this could be a novel… but I will limit what I have learned (yet still struggle to put into practice) with one conversation I had with my husband about 2 years ago. I had just come home from a large gathering of moms sharing their stories/parenting styles. I was crying to my husband about what a failure I was. I wanted to be “more spiritual and have daily devotion time” like Holy Mom, I wanted be “more of a servant wife instead of the complaining about my day wife” like Awesome Wife Mom, I wanted to be “skinny and run 7 minute miles and incorporate my kids into my exercise program instead of using my kids as an excuse not to work out” like Exercise Mom, I wanted to “cook healthy meals instead of chicken nuggets and pizza 3 nights a week” like Organic Mom, I wanted to be “more involved in the classroom instead of always just sending stuff” like School mom, I wanted to “create and scrap all the memories of my children instead of being 3 years behind on scrapbooks” like Crafty Mom, I wanted to “help financially instead of asking for money” like Financial Mom, I wanted to “have a clean house instead of piles of laundry and dishes” like Tidy Mom, I wanted to “have a chore chart that worked and was used instead of a half finished project in the basement” like Organized mom.  So I asked him… how do I be that woman? I don’t know how to be her!  And you know what he said to me… “Cass, that woman does not exist. You just named like 10 different people. No one could be all of those things.  You are comparing yourself to 10 different people’s strong points and expecting to be all of those things. It is impossible.”  And he was right. 

As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the Thief of Joy”.  Man did he hit the nail on the head. There will always be someone that can do it (whatever “it” is that you are comparing) better than you… you can count on it. But if we spend all of our time comparing, we are missing out on some amazing moments with our kids!  I think I will just embrace the gifts God has given me and do the best with what I have. 

Side Note… I don’t think that I get off the hook of trying to grow and become a better wife, mother, human just because I say I am not going to compare. I think it is so very important to always strive to be better than I am and push myself to become better in whatever area(s) I am choosing to focus on, but I believe it is unfair to me (and the woman I am comparing myself to) to compare myself to someone else. If I only focus on the end result being better than someone else’s end result, it only takes away they enjoyment of the growing and learning process. 

This month has been a hard one (not at all what I was expecting). Taking a good hard look at your life and where you are falling short is not always easy. But I am so thankful for forgiving children, a husband that loves me regardless of my failures or accomplishments, and a God that is merciful and gives me multiple opportunities to get this gig right!

Thanks for reading what might be the longest post ever! :)

And thanks for joining me on the journey!

Roles and Responsibilites: Day 8

Grace- Getting something you DO NOT deserve.

Mercy- NOT getting something you DO deserve.

Let me start by saying I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy. I have been blessed with so many things in this life that I do not deserve. I have a beautiful, wonderful, healthy family that loves me despite all my major flaws. They are forgiving and amazing and I am blessed beyond measure. I also (after much examination over the past week) deserve to be thrown to the wolves, shun from humanity, you name the “shunning” I probably deserve it. I mess up… ALL. THE. TIME!  God is so amazing and I am continually in awe at the numerous chances He gives me… over, and over, and over again… because even though I know what I should be doing, how I should be living, the choices I should be making… I don’t always do it…. Over, and over, and over again. I am so thankful (especially this month) for grace AND mercy.

The first week of Roles and Responsibilities has been harsh. Evaluating and interviewing to determine how I am doing in the roles of my life… well let’s just say there is a lot of potential for improvement. :) The good news is I am not doing EVERYTHING wrong… so I don’t have to just scrap it and start all over (which is great b/c I have cute kids and an awesome husband… I would hate for that to go to waste:)).  I will give you a few highlights of my findings and from here on out you will get to see how I am implementing some of my changes and the things I am learning along the way. :)

When “interviewing” my husband about my homemaker role this is how the conversation started: “Hubs, what is the most important thing… the thing that would mean the most to you… for me to accomplish and be considered doing a good job as a stay at home mom/house wife?” Now before I give you his answer, let me set the stage… we are sitting in the kitchen (first day of the fast)… it has been a rough couple of weeks (some unexpected things occurred that put me out of commission). There are dishes piled in the sink, dirty clothes waiting to go down the basement, the ironing board is still out from the morning, the floor probably hasn’t been swept in a couple of days, the table needs to be wiped off, there are dead flowers in the vase on the kitchen table, everyone’s shoes are strewn about the living room floor… and bless his ever loving heart… his response was, “Dusting. The thing that really just bugs me is dusting.” Dusting?!?!? Seriously?!?! Does he not see the world around us? I don’t know if this was supposed to be a “you never dust until everything else in the house is clean, so let’s be at that point all the time” or if the dust really does bother him and he can live with the mountains of dirty dishes and laundry… but his response was dusting. 

Parenting- this is where I thought my harshest critics would come out. Kids are always brutally honest. I mean earlier in the summer, when discussing what I would do when everyone went to school, Brayden told me I could probably do a better job of packing lunches and cleaning the house… and this was not to be mean… he saw my areas of weakness (and they are very much my areas of weakness) and wanted to give me some honest feedback with a few pointers. He apologized when he realized it hurt my feelings, but he was just being honest, as most children are. Surprisingly, I got rave reviews! My kids think I am doing awesome… I fully expected to get the “here is what you should be doing” but it was quite the opposite. Now I know there is much room for improvement, but the harsh honesty of children was not so harsh this time. :)

Love these little people!

Friendship- this had such a wide variety in responses it is difficult to know where to start. I spent a lot of time in prayer about this one this week… I pretty much need God to paint me a very clear picture on what this looks like for me… because I am really struggling in this area. There is lots of room for clarity and growth in this department… I knew I struggled with relationships/friendships with women, but I didn’t realize how much until this month started.

The evaluation process was tough to hear, as the truth is a lot of the time. When your husband starts a conversation with, “Don’t be mad… but I think you need to hear this…” you know it is going to be a hard truth that you don’t want to hear, and you probably will be mad. But when it something you already know about yourself, you just don’t have people point it out to you (because it is an ugly truth), and  you now have someone that knows you better than anyone on this earth willing to risk a week of the silent treatment for pointing out something in order to make you a better human being… you thank your lucky stars that God gave you an awesome, Godly man that supports you through a crazy year of fasting and loves you unconditionally and can start a conversation with, “Don’t be mad… but I think you need to hear this…”. 

So thankful for this man!

God’s grace is abundant in my life and I am so thankful for it. This month, though a rough, harsh start, will be a great one of productivity and clarity… I can just feel it!

Thanks for joining me on the journey!