Clothing: Day 20

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have had a virus on my computer, so I haven’t been able to journal as a go this past week… so this might be a long post. :) There is not a whole lot of new news to share with you on the clothing front. I am still here, still in the same 9 articles of clothing I have been for the last 3 weeks. :)  It really doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I am tired of it, I may or may not have worn the same outfit for 48 hours straight while Eric was out of town and we didn’t leave the house, I finally used my article #9… the swim suit over the weekend, I had to sit in a sheet for the second time to wash all of my dirty clothes (this has nothing to do with my lack of planning or procrastination I assure you), and I think I might have a clothing burning ceremony when this month concludes… I never want to see these items of clothing again! Other than that… still truckin’ along.

Pool side... finally utilizing the swim suit choice!

Sunday I had a couple of firsts. Eleni (my 5 year old) had a major melt down when trying to drop her off at Sunday school. My “out of the moment” take on the situation… Eric had been gone for several days at this point, she was starting school (this is a brand new thing for her… I don’t send my kids to pre-school outside of the home so she was nervous and scared and excited all at the same time), and we had stayed up late the last 3 nights so she was tired.  A melt down was sure to happen, just never would have guessed it to the degree it escalated to.  My “in the moment” take on the situation… this is mortifying, where have I gone wrong in my parenting, I have ruined this kid by 5… might as well through in the towel now and save ourselves years of therapy!  Without giving you a play-by-play of our battle, I will just tell you this… My five year old had the biggest screaming, full out, kicking her feet, telling me she “wished I wasn’t her mommy” and “I only love my daddy” (thankfully we had made it to the car by this point) fit I have ever seen outside working in a behavior disorder classroom during student teaching. We were both in tears and exhausted by church’s end. She did come around and apologize (hours later) and has told me numerous times since that she is “really sorry I said that and I want you to be my mommy until you die” so I think she is truly remorseful, but man that was a hard first for me. I have never had one of my children talk to me like that. I hope the Lord is not trying to prepare me for what is to come.

Sunday night I had a kid get lost… for real. Like almost a mile from us, by himself, knocking on strangers doors in a panic kind of lost. Terrifying, never want to relive it again moment.  He was shaken (so was I) but it all worked out and he learned some valuable life lessons in the process. I don’t think he feels quite so invincible now… which I think is good. A little bit of fear in him keeps him from doing something dumb. As long as he is not afraid (which I don’t think he is), I think a little bit of fear is good. These things always seem to happen when Eric is out of town. 

So between the 5 year old bringing me down and losing a kid in the woods, I totally earned mom of the year by sun down on Sunday (total and complete sarcasm intended).

Tuesday was a big day… sent my third kid to school. Who ever said it gets easier the more you send is a big fat liar.  She was soooo excited, but nervous… but there were no tears at drop off. Let me rephrase… Eleni did not cry when I dropped her off. I was basically running out of the gym as fast as I could as to not let her see me cry. I didn’t even make it to the front door of the school before the tears started flowing. I was bawling like a baby by the time I got to the car and called Eric. He of course laughed at me, and reassured me she would be fine. She was, of course, but for some reason it is so tough for me to let them go. She just seems too little. Another one out the door. Only one left at home (insert Cassie weeping in the floor in the fetal position here).

Eleni's first day of summer school.

So amid all the crying on Tuesday, I got a super fantastic call! If you are reading this, you most likely know me, and that probably means you know my story… but just in case you don’t… I have been dealing with a reoccurring brain tumor for almost 11 years.  It has come and gone 5 times. I don’t normally publicly announce it, or even publicly ask people to pray for it (though I do have a small group of women that I rely on heavily to pray and keep updated and I am so very thankful for them). I don’t mind talking about it if people ask, I just have an issue with people feeling sorry for me. I don’t like it… at all. So I choose to fight it in semi-silence. :) It is not a cancerous tumor (Praise the Lord!). It is benign, but even benign tumors in the brain come with their own set of problems. 

We found the tumor before Eric and I got married.  We spent the first year on medication trying to get rid of it, but at the time it was big (for that kind of tumor anyway) and because of where it was, it causes all kinds of problems with the reproductive system and hormones. About 6 months into our marriage they told us that I was not responding to the medication how they had hoped, and that children would not be possible. We were of course devastated. Obviously God had other plans, so even with the doctors saying “I have no idea how this happened” we were blessed with Brayden. We also got the “count your blessings because it’s a miracle and won’t happen again” speech… and low and behold, God gave us 3 more little miracles. :) 

In between each of the pregnancies the tumor came back, and then would disappear during pregnancy, then come back, then disappear… you get the idea.  Each time the tumor came back we would treat it with medications that my body did not respond to very well. I had horrible side effects and was very sick while on the medication. That becomes more and more difficult the more little people you have running around to care for. Every time the medication would shrink the tumor to the point of my hormone levels allowing me to get pregnant, and some how during pregnancy the tumor would shrink to nothing (this is truly miraculous, because the body should do the opposite and make the tumor grow rapidly during pregnancy).

So after Addi (our youngest) came, the tumor once again came back we decided that we couldn’t just keep having babies forever to keep getting rid of this thing. So for over two years now we have been trying to treat it. We have used medication (the kind with the not so pleasant side effects) we have tried the holistic approach (changing the diet and exercise regimen) we have tried a lot of things just to (devastatingly) watch it continue to grow.

I need to say this… I have had a lot… TONS… of conversations with God about this tumor over the last 10 ½ years. I have had some very low periods when dealing with it. I have questioned God. I have been mad at God. I have also (always in hind sight) seen the good that can come from these low points. I have learned so many lessons in life that I probably wouldn’t have if I had been dealing with the tumor. But I have always asked Him to take this burden from me. I don’t want to have it, I don’t like it, I have already learned many lessons from it, I feel like I am failing as a wife and a mother when I am dealing with it… please Lord just take this tumor away and never let it come back. 

A couple months back I was having a conversation with one of my very closest and wise friends, Missy (also council member) about being discouraged and nothing working. She said to me, “maybe this is just your thorn in the flesh… something you will just have to deal with.” I super duper did not want to hear that!  I don’t want it to be my “thorn in the flesh” I want it to go away so I can be who I am “suppose to be”. But that is what good friends are for, to tell you the hard truths, even though it might not be what you want to hear. 

Fast forward to this week…. I don’t sleep well when Eric is gone. And when the computer has a virus, and you don’t have TV, you get a little more bible reading time in. :) So Monday night, I decided to refresh my memory of good old Paul and his “thorn in the flesh”. So I flipped over to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It doesn’t say what Paul’s thorn is…and there is lots of speculation on what it could have been. But here is what I DO know… 1) this is something from Satan, it is not something God gave him, Satan did. 2) He did not want to deal with it… he pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away. God said no. 3) God’s grace is sufficient… He says so, and so it is.

So Monday night I had a nice long conversation with God (I knew I was getting test results on Tuesday), and for the first time in 10 ½ years I did not ask God to take the tumor away. I told Him, if this was to be my thorn, then let me handle it with grace and let Him be glorified in it. If this was what I am to deal with, let me handle it better. Let me boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. And that was that. I handed it over to Him and for the first time in 10 ½ years, I had peace and no anxiety about the results coming.

Tuesday I got the call. All my levels are completely normal (this has never happened… even when the tumor was gone before) and it appears the tumor is gone. It might be the new meds. It might be the power of prayer. I truly in my heart think it was God waiting for me to turn it over to Him. To say to Him, Not my will (please, please just take it away) but YOUR will be done. I finally had peace with God making the call, not me. And so He showed me, He does indeed call all the shots and have all the power to do whatever He wills.

This fast is changing my life. It is changing my perspective. It is changing my relationship with the Lord.  So if I needed to turn off my TV, get rid of a bunch of stuff, and wear the same dang thing everyday for a month… then I am thankful for the process. Can’t wait to see what wonderful things are to come. 

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Clothing: Day 13

I discovered something over the last couple of days… no one cares that I am wearing the same 7 articles of clothing. No one but me even notices that I wear the same dang outfits day after day. This comes as a sad, yet reassuring presence in my life. 

Reassuring because people in my life do not put near the emphasis on external things and judgments as I thought they did. I have not felt anything negative from outside sources about this entire process. I realized most people aren’t going to say something out of common courtesy if they do notice, but I truly feel people don’t care or notice. 

Sad, because it makes me realize how I can be very self absorbed. This first two weeks I have been irritated and self conscience about what I am wearing, and then came that little moment when you realize there is such a bigger picture. Mine was through an accumulation of small events today. (Don't mind the random pictures throughout of people doing what they need to be doing. :))

My mom being a superstar grandma.

MOPS moms donating toys and scrubs for Moore, OK.

It started with a very early call from my husband. He wasn’t here and wanted to say I love you and hear my voice. It didn’t matter to him the clothes I had on, only the words that came from my mouth and through the phone line. I was doing what I needed to do in that moment.

Landen writing me a love note.

Next was Landen waking me up this morning with a picture that he drew for me. “I Love You” with a rainbow.  It has been almost 2 full weeks, my children see me everyday. The girls see me all day everyday. And not one of them has mentioned or asked why I am wearing the same clothes over and over. Why? Well, maybe it is because they are children and they don’t notice things like that (though Eleni is very style/clothing in tune). OR, maybe it is because it doesn’t matter. There is no reason to care if I am wearing the same outfit or not. If I am clothed and doing the role I am here to do… the outfit doesn’t matter.

The day progressed through text, phone calls, facebook messages of people needing someone to pray, advice, or simply someone to listen. None of these people care about what I am wearing, they just need me to be doing what is necessary in the moment.

Life is about doing. Doing what you are called to do. Whether that is the big picture of “what you are called to do” or they day to day…. wipe up spilled milk, wash the dishes, do the laundry, make the lunch , call the friend, pray with your child in the moment “what you are called to do at that moment”, it really doesn’t matter. It is still about doing.

Mrs. Engelbrecht being an AMAZING kindergarten teacher!

I sent a message out today asking for a specific prayer request to some dear friends. My emotional state today had absolutely nothing to do with my outfit. I would have had the same feelings of anxiety and worry if I was in a ball gown, with diamonds and perfectly fixed hair and make-up, dressed to the nines… or if I was in the same blue t-shirt and pair of jeans that I feel like I have worn about a million times in the past 2 weeks (which I was). 

Dana being a rock star friend!

Today I got that little nudge, the “ah-ha” moment from God. I have been so consumed and obsessed about what I have been wearing because it was my focus. I was waiting for God to show me how beautiful I was on the inside, how I should be comfortable and appreciative of the body He gave me.  I had it all planned out on what He was going to teach me this month, because that is what I thought I needed to learn. And maybe it is a lesson I need to learn, and He will teach me in His own time. But today my heart was softened to the possibility of learning something outside of my plan. 

My kids having AWESOME behavior while we wait at the doctor.

Today was about doing what I am called to do, even if it is just for that moment. And relying on others (even when I have hesitation about judgment or depending on others to meet a need) to do what God calls them to do. God is showing me all kinds of things through this journey. Some of them hard lessons or truths about myself, and some of them are amazing moments of reassurance and peace. And that is amazing!

Thanks for joining me on this amazing journey.

Clothing: Day 10

So this fast is not going how I thought it would go. I am only in week 2, so I am sure I have time for things to change, but thus far… not at all what I expected. 

First of all, I didn’t expect it to be hard. I thought the hardest part would be picking out the clothes, the rest would just be follow through. This is false. It is hard. It is time consuming and a lot (LOT) of washing and wearing the same dang clothes. I lost one of my t-shirts for 2 days, it got put in a pile of the kids clothes. When you are down to 7 articles of clothing that makes for a frustrating 2 days. 

I thought I would have some miraculous, life changing thing happen in my brain about the way I view myself. That I would somehow just appreciate being comfortable in my own skin and the clothes I wear would not matter. This is also false. I do not feel this way. It is day 10 and I am already really sick of the clothes I am wearing and really just wanting to cheat all the time. I want to just say the heck with it, I am not learning anything, let me wear something with color and doesn’t have to be washed before I go to bed.

Here is what I know to be TRUE…. I am having a really bad attitude about this fast. I don’t know if that means that this is my biggest idol, the area that has the worst strong hold on my life, and I am resisting what God is trying to teach me? I don’t know if it means I have not allowed my heart and mind to be open to what I should be learning? I don’t know what it means. All I know is that my attitude stinks! I have a few moments over the last couple of days that I thought God might be trying to teach me a lesson, but my mind was so closed to being frustrated with the clothing I “had” to wear that nothing came through.

As we were getting ready for Landen’s kindergarten graduation, I was in my room getting ready. Eleni came in. I was in the same sun dress I had already worn 3 times in the last week, my hair was frizzy, and I had a giant zit on my chin. I was mad that I was going to look like junk for this event (because clearly kindergarten graduation is about what I look like- sarcasm intended). Eleni stood there looking at me and said, “Mommy… you look so beautiful when you where that dress and those pretty shoes and your hair is down and long and beautiful”. And instead of embracing and taking the moment in and teaching Eleni something in the moment, I said, “thanks El, go get a brush so I can fix your hair.” Then proceeded to be irritated that the only dress I had clean was going to show my huge bandages on my legs and I didn’t feel “pretty”. What a waste! What a missed opportunity. Why am I so selfish that I couldn’t take the time to invest in a valuable moment with my daughter? I am so disappointed that I was so caught up in me, that I let the moment pass by.

I don’t think God wants us to feel ugly. But I also know that He has the power to make us feel more than “pretty”, He has the power to make us feel BEAUTIFUL, if we will only let him. 

Pretty-adjective; pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness

Beautiful-adjective; excellent of its kind: wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

 

Eleni's excellent sense of style :)

I don’t want to be just pretty; pleasing or attractive to the eye. I want to be excellent of my kind; wonderful; pleasing and satisfying. I want to be all these things and not limited to what you see on the outside. When I see Jesus at the pearly gates I don’t want Him to say, “Well done my pretty girl”. No. I want Him to say, “Well done my good and faithful; excellent of your kind; wonderful; pleasing and satisfying faithful daughter of mine”.

I need a change of heart. I know what I should be learning this month and I am fighting it with my utmost effort. If you are reading this, please pray for a softening of my heart and for me to be open to the learning possibilities of this month.

As I opened my “Message from God” that is delivered to me daily… I once again know that God is putting all these things in my path, just waiting, ever so patiently, for me to jump on board. My message: You are only as free as you imagine yourself to be. There is nothing "out there" that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the "cannot" and the "should not", but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.

Two passages of scripture I am meditating on tonight:

1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Clothing: Day 7

It’s been a busy week.  Here are a few lessons I have learned when limiting yourself to 7 articles of clothing (because lets face it, shoes and a swimsuit are not things you can wear independently and feel comfortable answering the front door in).

1-    If you have little “helpers” in your house, especially the kind that like to play dress up… keep your designated items in a convenient, yet out of reach location to small hands.  I was about 30 seconds from going to the doctor’s office in my sundress (only clean article of clothing) and running shoes.  My helpers “put my shoes (sandals) away” for me… 20 minutes to locate them.

2-   Do not paint unless you plan to do it in the nude. Day 4 I have yellow paint all over my black shorts (my only shorts for the month). Eleni keeps asking me why I am wearing dirty shorts.

3-   Be prepared to do laundry while in your swimsuit or the nude… it might come to that point… even in week one.

4-   If you allow yourself a cheat day (actually 3 hours) do not, I repeat NOT let the 5 year old with a dramatic sense of style choose your outfit!

It was a good week.  The clothing thing is a little harder than expected.  People keep telling me that they think this month would be really easy, but it is not as easy as it sounds.  I guess if I never sweated or I didn’t have small children that wiped their nose on my shirt or if I never cooked anything (because apparently I can not be in the kitchen without getting food on my clothes) then it might be a tad easier, but that’s just where I am.

Some things that I missed this week:

1-Comfy sweat shirt. I miss being able to toss one on in the mornings to run boys to school or in the evenings to hang around the house.

2-My hats/hair scarves… I knew I wore them a lot, but I cant tell you how many times this week I have really wished I could just toss on a hat or hair scarf, but no go.

3-Earings… weird I know. But there is something that just makes me feel a little more put together when I put on earrings.

I got my stitches out (YEAH!!!) which makes it much more comfortable to wear clothing that covers my knees. No more clothes catching and pulling. I did ask the doctor if I could start running again and he laughed at me… apparently it needs to heal a bit more, but we are on the right track.

Dana, my best friend and council member (also fasting clothes) is here!!! She flew in yesterday and is here for a fun girl weekend!  It is nice to have someone in the same boat, feeling the same clothing pains, under the same roof. 

Eleni had her garden party today. Party was a success, and the premeditated cheat occurred today. Yesterday I tried to talk her into letting mommy dress like a gardener… like the overalls, floppy hat, and gloves kind of gardener. That wasn’t really in her plans… so we went with the giant blue flower head band, green dress, and my fun apron from Craft Weekend. I did manage to talk her into the comfy shoes (since they were pink) instead of the heels. If I do another premeditated cheat… it will be more comfortable. :)

Thanks for all the encouragement and the “you are not alone” sentiments from the last blog. It is a process and a journey… just trying to keep it real. Loving some of the very unexpected doors God is opening during this process.

Thanks for joining me on the journey!