Well, I had my first fasting induced cry. It was a long day of kids, a husband running late, I was hormonal, and I just had a lot on my plate that day… and I did it, I just sat in my car and cried like a baby. I wanted a candy bar (because you know a candy bar will fix all your problems) so as I sat in my car crying I sent out a SOS text to my council. They came to my rescue with encouraging words, scripture, and alternate plans (though I apparently didn’t pick someone that would encourage me to cheat… I was waiting for her to show up in the texting thread). I drove my car down to the river and blasted 2 songs over and over, singing at the top of my lungs and crying all at the same time. Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets and The Proof of Your Love by for King & Country.
The lines that just repeat over and over in my head… The ones I long to let my life resemble in every way (though have a very difficult time doing it)…
If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it
If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, will You help me find it?
Let my love look like You and what You’re made of.
How You lived, how You died, Love is sacrifice.
So let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love.
So after a good half hour of crying and singing and praying(and the couple walking along the riverfront trail giving me really weird looks, probably assuming I was about to drive into the river), I got it. Sometimes I just need a little shot of the bigger picture. This dumb little fast that sometimes seems so difficult is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If God needs to use me craving a candy bar on a hormonal, cruddy day and depriving myself of that to show me the bigger picture, then so be it.
I desperately want to do God’s will, sometimes I just struggle to know exactly what that is. I so desperately want to be the proof of God’s love. I want to be that girl that oozes Jesus, that there is no denying that she is a Christian, that does what Jesus would do… all the time. But I am not. I’m not even sure what that looks like exactly, but I long for it. And the Holy Spirit is working on me. I’ve got some crazy things stirring in my heart, and I believe wonderful things will come of this fast.
And to think this all came from depriving myself of a candy bar! ;) Love what God can do with the smallest of actions.
Thanks for joining me on the journey!
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