Clothing Purpose and Guidelines

So this month is a hard one for me. It was a hard one last time, and I have a very strong feeling it will not be any easier this time around. But here we are, going to embrace the choices and lessons that come in the next 28 days...

Purpose: How important is my appearance? Do I put more emphasis on my outward appearance than was is on the inside? How do I view myself? How much do I have that I do not need or wear?

Guidelines: I have 8 articles of clothing (actually 7 clothing, 1 shoes) that I will be allowed to wear this month... that's it... 8. No accessories... jewelry, hats (why?!?!?), scarves, cardigans or jackets. I will be wearing my wedding ring, but no other jewelry. I seriously debated switching out a dress for a ball cap... these days I am in a hat about 70% of the time... no joke... but the sundress won out. Basic, daily make-up tinted moisturizer, sheer mineral powder, mascara, and lip balm. I will also not purchase any clothes/shoes/accessories for myself.

1- pair of skinny jeans
2-athletic shorts
3-running capris
4- gray "My Life is my Message" t-shirt
5- solid green t-shirt
6-long gray cotton dress
7-knee length red sundress
8- shoes (3 pair- running shoes, converse, and sandals)

In the final hour... literally 11:50pm last night the final decisions were being made and a last second switch from a fitted yellow shirt to a green t-shirt was made. Only time will tell if this was a wise decision. :)

Challenges: Aside from the obvious challenge of only have 7 articles of clothing for the month, here were they things I found challenging when trying to prepare for this month.
1- I'm nursing Jax still... this means everything that I wear this month has to be something I can nurse a baby in... in public. So no hiking a dress up over my head to nurse a baby. This, not surprisingly, eliminated a majority of my sundresses. This was both frustrating and eye opening for the summer to be right around the bend (where I tend to live in sundresses).
2- I don't fit in a lot of my clothes... like a LOT! I don't feel comfortable without layering up or adding accessories, so this will be a humbling experience for me.
3- It's May... that means it could be 50 degrees or 95 degrees... I did not choose a long sleeve anything or a swimsuit. I'm hoping this does not bite me in the booty.
4- I have a baby that likes to spit up on me... this could potentially be a smelly challenge.
5- I'm doing a workout program with a friend that requires daily workouts... I did not want every thing I choose to be workout clothes, but it appears this will be a lot of daily laundry or smelly Cassie.
6- May is brain tumor awareness month. As someone that lives with a brain tumor, I usually wear some form of gray everyday in May. I had to let this go. I chose a couple of gray things, but a lesson learned from last time was to put something with color in my wardrobe choice... it really does effect my attitude.

Fears: I prayed a lot about this month, and asked council for prayers and opinions. I really, REALLY struggle with self image and knew this would be a hard one for me. Not only with the guidelines set up, but just knowing that I'm going to have to learn lessons in an area of life I know is already a struggle. The council varied on what they thought I should do for my guidelines for the month, lots thinking with the challenges I had I should maybe go with 8 outfits or 18 articles... but ultimately (and unexpectedly) the Lord put on my heart the homeless, people in third world countries, and surprisingly the Amish. I thought if all of these people can live there lives and serve the Lord with 8ish articles of clothing... I can do it for a month. So that is where I landed with that.

Exceptions: I have 2 exceptions for the month. Both of these had varied council opinions, but it came down to people/relationship experiences over the need to stick to rules. 1- Eleni's birthday party. We usually dress according to theme in this house... it's a birthday tradition. If Eleni wants me to wear something Harry Potter for her party, I will. 2- Pedicure... I have a girls weekend with my daughters that has been planned for a while and the girls chose the activity of getting pedicures together. After discussing it with the girls and them saying it was important that we all partake, I've decided as to not let this be a "feel better about my appearance" choice, the girls will get to choose what I have done to my toes... and they are very excited about this (and I am a tad nervous ;) ).

I think that kind of lays it out for the month. If this is an area you struggle with, feel free to jump on the bandwagon in your own way! Let me know what you are doing and how I can be praying for you.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Last day of Purging!

Today is supposed to be the last day of this possessions fast... here is the thing... there is still so much to get rid of! I will admit, this past week I kind of fell off the purging wagon. I justified it by saying I was busy with other commitments and I had already donated above and beyond by goal (which by the way, I am well aware this is an excuse, not a justification... I was just trying to make myself feel better.) So, with this week being a rest week (clothing fast starts on May 7th), I am committing one full day to going through the 3 specific areas I intended to hit that I have yet to do. Beyond that... I know there is so much more to be done, but it will come slowly and with time, and I pray that the Lord continues to show me where our material possessions can be better utilized.

I had made a conscious decision at the beginning of this month not to purchase anything that I was not going to use immediately. I thought this was a simple task... this was not. Can I just tell you, I was made incredibly aware of how many times I buy things because "that's cute" or "I could maybe use that" or "that would be fun to do with the kids later"... I spend too much money on things that will probably be donated with tags still on it later. Target and Michaels are that hardest for me... but I managed to stay strong this month. I am hoping that I can continue with this trend even when I'm not focusing on possessions.

Left Michael's with only ribbon and tape runners!

Here are some things I learned:

1. My natural instinct is not always to give... I really don't like this about myself. There were still 2 separate occasions during this fast that I had the internal battle of, "give it to someone in need" and "sell it and make some money". Now don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with selling your things, but my primary goal was to donate things that could bless others that we no longer had a need for. And yet, there were still times I hesitated. I pray the Lord changes my heart with this.

2. Remember how I said last blog that I thought I wasn't necessarily a bad steward of our money- that was a lie! Seriously... the more I went through this to give away, the more I was like "why do I have so many of these?" 8 unused backpacks... all in good condition (this is not counting the 4 that are currently being carried to and from school), 17 coloring books, gallon bags of markers, crayons, and colored pencils... don't even get me started on party supplies. I just buy so many things that are unnecessary.  I have been praying a lot that I am better with this as I move forward.

3.People before purging. I'm a list and goal kind of girl... if I have a task at hand, I want to accomplish that goal. There were 2 different days during this fast that I had plans to go through a certain area of purging, but there were real humans with real needs, so the purging took a backseat for the day. Those days I'm ok with... if I spend my day baking brownies and cooking lasagnas because I have sick friends, or sad friends, or friends that just need a night off... instead of going through a box of old Christmas stuff, I feel like the Lord gives it His stamp of approval.

4.Sorting things into piles in my basement, bedroom, kitchen... wherever... is not the same as actually donating things. I have multiple plies of "intentions" but until I actually deliver it to the recipient, it is still just too much stuff in my house!

5. This fasting experience is so different than the last time. I did expect it to be somewhat different, learning new things about myself and such. But just the completely different season of life that I am in makes this challenge so different! I have elementary and middle school kids that are involved in extra curricular activities and need help with homework and projects... and I have a baby (I know, it is still hard for me to believe this sometimes too). But it puts me in a whole new situation of my time being torn in every direction. My marriage and my husband's job are also in a very different place than they were 5 years ago, and sometimes that means he is gone for days or weeks at a time. I have discovered that this fast will be truly focusing daily on how to manage my time to balance the day to day needs of my family and my commitment to the Lord each month.

Picking up Daddy

6. I am so bad about blogging! My husband and I sat and talked about this for a long time last night. Sometimes I am bad about blogging because I have a hard time making the time to sit down and do it with... well... life (insert 5 adorable children here). And sometimes Satan is just really attacking. I pray the Lord gives me discernment when to share and when not to... and that the focus always stays on Him.

Some months are harder than others for one reason or another... time management was my arch nemesis this month.

Kids making deliveries in the rain...

Because sometimes mom needs a break!

Clothing month starts next week!

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Purging and Pitching

There is a LOT of purging and pitching of things going on around here!

I have had well over 1,000 things leave my house (I stopped counting at 1,000)... and I still have so much to do! I'm not sure if it makes me super excited to be getting rid of so many things... or if it makes me super sad that we live in such excess that more than 1,000 things have exited my house and I am not having to go without anything.

Up to this point, I haven't gotten rid of many clothes. I've been praying that God would show me where they need to go, but so far, nothing has come across as a specific need. If anyone knows of a family or location that needs women's and children's clothes... please let me know!

In case you are looking for a place to donate your stuff, here are some of the places my stuff has been going...

-Planet Aid Clothing/Shoe Drop offs
-Vintage Values
-Headstart
-Friends
-Neighbors
-Veteran's Home
-Animal Shelter
-Teachers gifts
-Kindergarten crafts
-PSTO
-1st grade Treasure Boxes
-Pregnancy Assistance Center
-Foster Care
-Homeless Shelters
-Missionaries

I'm trying to make sure the majority of our things that I am donating are going where they have a purpose. It sometimes takes a little research to figure out where the best place for all this stuff should go.

I will say...this time around has been different. I still have hang ups (things that I know I don't need but I still hesitate to donate) but the lessons are very different. I realize that we do live in excess... extreme is an understatement... but 90% of the things leave are things that have had their time of use and now they are just taking up space. It's not that I was a bad steward of our money at the time, not always... but my lands... why in the world do I hang on to things that could be blessing others? It just takes up space and makes me frustrated with the clutter and disorganization in my home. I'm glad it is going!

I've had a hard time keeping up with the blog this time around  ... I'm going to try to be better about it and get a check in at least once a week. So if you see me, make sure you ask me if stuff is still leaving my house. Even though I'm well over the original goal, I plan to stay focused and continue to purge in the all the areas I have on my list to go through... kitchen and holiday décor along with all the clothes still need to be dealt with. If you stop by my house, I promise we haven't been robbed and ransacked... I'm just sorting and purging... there will be less piles of things being sorted next month. :)

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Just call me Madonna... because I’m a material girl!

Just call me Madonna... because I’m a material girl!

Listen y’all, I’ve done this before. I really did not think I would struggle with it this time around, it’s just stuff, right? The problem comes when you have emotions attached to “stuff”. It’s not the actual stuff that I have a problem getting rid of, it’s the fact that it brings up so many emotions going through the stuff.
“I remember the time we took the kids to have a day in the creek at the farm in those shoes.”
“I was with my mom when we bought those red shoes.”
“Brayden did his first presentation in that costume.”
“Eleni lived in that Rapunzel wedding dress for almost 2 years”
“So many Halloween costumes from when they were little... why did they have to grow up?”

It’s been way more emotional than getting rid of stuff that I don’t need or use should actually be. But here I am... crying over red shoes and Rapunzel dresses...

 It’s also feeling like stuff needs to go where it is fulfilling a purpose or go where it’s needed, not just filling space in a landfill somewhere (waste month is right around the corner y’all... I haven’t forgotten). So I feel some sort of obligation to look for my stuff to have a purpose somewhere else... though I’m sure some of it will ultimately end up being trashed... I’d like to find a purpose for things that I can. That being said, if you have a local place that needs my stuff, please let me know!

Here are days 1-3...

Day 1- My shoes.

I had 54 pair (which is ridiculous) and I donated 32. Finding a good place to donate took a little research. If you live in the mid-west or in the south, specifically Texas... y’all have LOTS of good options of great organizations that will take your shoes and do fantastic things with them. Here on the East coast, not as many options... especially locally in Southern Maryland. I finally settled on Planet Aid. They have big yellow bins all over the country... like tons of them... 5 here in Mechanicsville! They sell useable shoes at a reasonable price to entrepreneurs in 3rd world countries to sell to earn an income. Even shoes that are worn out they will find a use for-  your shoes will never end up in the landfill! You can learn more about how Planet Aid works HERE.

Day 2-

27 picture frames-gone! I went through all the old stacks of pictures we still had in frames that were super cheap or broken, removed pictures, and got those babies out! Some of these were “someday craft projects”... but if they’ve been here 4 years and i still haven’t done anything with them, it’s not meant to be. Donated so some other crafter can keep them in her basement. 😉 They went to the local thrift store, Vintage Values. The employ local people with disabilities as their workforce.

Day 3-
16 dress up dresses, 6 tutus, 7 pairs of princess heels, 3 pair of Spider-Man gloves, a clown costume, homemade astronaut costume, 4 vegetable costumes, 1 cape, 1 set of Pom-poms, a gallon bag of girly accessories, and a giant stuffed anaconda... all to the local Headstart.  This one was harder than it should have been... I just had so many memories attached to my kids in these dress up clothes! Eleni basically lived in her Rapunzel wedding dress for a couple of years and a whole slew of dress up things, dance costumes, and Halloweens from days gone by. It’s not like if I kept them my kids will go back to being little again... no one here can fit in them! So it was time to bless someone else. I hope there is at least one little girl at Headstart that finds as much joy for that Rapunzel wedding dress as Eleni did! I may have shed a little tear driving away.

So that’s my first three days. If you are local and know worthy causes, for ANYTHING, please let me know... there is a LOT of stuff yet to leave this house!

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Possessions Purpose and Guidelines

PURPOSE:
Purge our stuff!!! We have so many things we do NOT need! We live in extreme excess. I want to get rid of stuff that is just taking up space. If I don’t love it, use it, or wouldn’t buy it again... it needs to go!

GUIDELINES:
Get rid of 8 things everyday for 28 days.  That is 224 things that need to exit my house!
Sidebar- Only 1 week can count toward clothes.... because believe me, between all 7 of us, clothes could probably easily be my 224.

PARTICIPATION:
This one is an all family participation. For lent this year the kids each had to get rid of one thing a day, so 40 things... already have 120+ things bagged up to donate (don’t worry.... these don’t count toward the 224 total.) The kids were a bit panicked when I told them 8 things a day since they just got rid of 40 things each, but that will be 8 things for our family. I will go through mine and the kids stuff. Eric has also decided to participate in this month, and though it might not be 8 a day- he is going to purge! The council members are all participating in some way too. Some doing the 8 a day, some doing their own version!

Most things I am looking to donate, so if anyone knows a local organization or family in need, please let me know. I would much rather it go to someone I know needs it, rather than the local Goodwill. I am really excited to see how God opens doors during this month and where things will go.

Here is to a month of things exiting my house!

Thanks for joining me on the journey!

Less of me... More of Him...

My life is FULL y'all!

In some ways, this is amazing! It is full of love, and beautiful children, a great husband, fantastic friends, more things than I possibly need... and most of all a God that is forgiving and merciful. I am blessed beyond measure.

But here is the thing... it is also full of a lot... I mean LOTS... of things that are just fluff, filler, not important things.

That needs to change.

Back in November I started to get a little nudge from the Holy Spirt... you know the kind? The one that you know you should listen to and really commit to figuring out what exactly it is the Lord wants you to do, but you are terrified of what He is going to ask of you, so you ignore it. That was the one.

It went a little something like this...

Him- "Hey remember that time, 5 years ago, when you spent a year fasting 9 areas of your life? It was life changing! Ridiculously hard but amazingly wonderful? Ringing any bells?"

Me- "Yes. Hard- not doing it again."

Him- " But remember how much you grew in your relationship with me? How much you learned about yourself?"

Me- "I do. But I already did it... I don't need to do it again."

Him- "You do. You are in a different place, you are a different person. Your life is full of the wrong things. You need to get rid of all the extra... just you and Me."

Me- "sigh... I'll pray about it."

So I did. I have been praying about it... a lot. To be super honest, I did not want to do it again. It was super duper hard, and I did learn a lot about myself... but believe me... when you focus on areas of your life that struggle with... the things you learn are not all sunshine and rainbows. But then there was this verse that just kept sticking with me...

He must become greater, I must become less.  -John 3:30

So about 2 months ago, I asked some women to praying for me. I also asked my husband and my children to pray for me. I asked them to pray about my decision and for the Lord to make it clear what my "stuff"  is. I also asked some women to come along side me through this journey (these are women that will either hate me or I will owe big time by the end of this thing). I re-read the book that gave me the original inspiration, Seven by Jen Hatmaker. I also re-read my entire experience from when I did it before (thanks to my beautiful friend Kariann that had my entire blog/journaling put into a bound book). And so here I am... doing it again.

Here is the gist of it in case you didn't know me or didn't know about it the first time I did it...
I am going to fast 8 areas of my life. I will fast each area for a month, take a week off, then start the next one. This makes this entire fasting process end on December 30th. I know the Lord is calling me to do this, but I'm not going to lie... I am terrified. This is HARD for me. It grows me and stretches me and golly I know I need to do it, but (insert 2 year old tantrum) I don't wanna!

Some people might ask "Why again?" I know... I asked God the same thing! Here is where I am at with that answer... I am a different person. I am in a different season of life. Last time I did this I didn't have teenagers or a newborn...now I have both! That is a whole new ballgame in itself. My married life is in a different place, I am in a different place with the Lord, and I have an entirely new set of "stuff" filling up my time and energies... and it needs to GO!

So each month I will blog about my experiences and things that I am learning about myself. I found this helped hold me accountable last time... I have to tell someone if I am cheating... so you, the people of the interwebs that read my little nuggets of words thrown into blog form, get to help hold me accountable. And in case no one reads it... I have a great team of women, 6 to be exact, that will hold me accountable and join me in some of these months in their own way. For them, I am ever so thankful. Missy, Amber, Jess, Pamela, Jenny, and Jen... these are my friends that I hope are still my friends at the end of December. People that I value their advice and all bring something different to the friend table. I have chosen 8 areas to focus on this time, so every month will somehow revolve around the number 8. Here are the areas I have decided I will focus on this time:

1. Possessions
2. Clothes
3.Waste
4. Food
5. Media
6. Me/Stress
7. Spending
8. Prayer

That's it... those are my areas. I hope to spend the next 9  months getting more of Him, and less of me. I would appreciate prayers. Possessions starts tomorrow!

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

My Grief Blanket

It has been 1 year since my dad called and told me my mom had cancer.

I remember it very clearly. I remember where I was. I remember knowing, before my dad told me, that something was wrong because my mom was always the voice on the other end when "Mom and Dad" popped up on my phone. It was the first time in my life I have ever heard my dad cry. I remember listening, having a million questions swirling but not being able to form any of them into cohesive sentences that made sense. I remember hanging up the phone and bawling and immediately googling everything I could recollect from the conversation and knowing it was not good. I remember texting my sisters "have you talked to dad today?" It was such a hard day.

Only a year ago we found out she was sick... and now she has been gone for almost 7 months.

In some ways it feels like 7 long horrible months. She has been gone for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She has not been here for my birthday or dad's birthday or one of my kid's birthdays. She was gone for her mom's and dad's birthdays. She has missed her anniversary and my anniversary.

She was not here for the birth of my child. That is so, so hard.

She has already been gone from this earth for so many occasions that it feels like she has been gone so long... yet... the pain and sadness is still so fresh and real and hard that it feels like she died yesterday.

Grief has been a hard thing for me to learn to navigate.

I am a checklist girl. They talk about the "Stages of Grief" and to me that meant, I do a stage (like anger) and then it is checked off and I move on to the next stage. But grief doesn't really move in stages... not like I thought it would. It should be called the "Grief Cycle".  Stages implies that you complete it and move on, but really, you may move on to another aspect of grief, but you are going to circle back around and experience again... maybe a 100 times. Grief for me just seems to be never ending and ever changing.

I have been surprised at how some things have caught me completely off guard when it comes to grief.

I went home for Christmas. I knew this was going to be hard... and as much as I truly wanted to be there with my dad, I dreaded it. It would be the first time that I had to go home and she was not going to be there. I prepared myself as best as I could... but man, there are just some things that caught me off guard.

My mom had about 9 million pair of dollar store reading glasses. She was always losing them. And where ever she sat in her house there were always a pair of glasses within reach. When we got to mom and dad's house, I walked into the bedroom to but down luggage and I walked past a little box full of all of my mom's reading glasses. For some reason that very odd, non-sentimental thing is what made it really real for me. And it was so hard.

I was in the bathroom looking for something and opened the top drawer and her toothbrush and hairbrush were there... just as they always have been... and I broke.

There were a lot of hard moments...hard conversations while we were home. But there were also a lot of laughs and smiles and good memories made.

I feel like I have a lot of weird grieving things...

-I can't go through the box of stuff I brought back with me when we left from the funeral.

-I can't bring myself to take my mom's obituary/funeral program sheet out of my purse.

-I get very angry anytime I see a commercial for cancer treatments with happy smiling people talking with their doctors and living their lives. Like... really- leave the room-angry.

-I have some costume jewelry of my mom's that I find myself wearing to events and thinking "taking mom to the Kennedy Center" or "taking mom to the White House"

-I find myself constantly trying to make her proud... when I never consciously did that when she was alive

-I get offended when I hear the phrase "I kicked Cancer's A**" Like somehow my mom didn't try hard enough so that's why she didn't live (totally irrational, I know)

-When I see other people that get diagnosed and people say encouraging things like "you are strong, you can beat this" I want to immediately jump in and say... it doesn't matter! My mom fought harder than anyone... sometimes cancer just wins.

-It is hard for me to talk to people who loved her most about her... I don't know why

-I have an irrational fear of people around me (my husband and children in particular) dying

-When something is wrong with me or anyone I love, my first thought is always "is it cancer?"

-I have a lot of guilt about maybe not being the daughter that she needed

-I have guilt about not being home more

-When I see cottage cheese in the store, it makes me cry (when my mom had sores in her mouth it was one of the few things she could eat)

-I want to work really hard to not let people forget my mom
-I get choked up when I take pictures of my kids with my dad and my mom isn't in it

-I can't bring myself to do anything for a cancer organization... even though I think I want to... it is just too hard

Grief is different for everyone.

Something I have discovered through this grieving process is that my mom was a different person for each of her children, and we are all grieving a different aspect of her.

I have so many times I think, "I should call and ask mom..." and then remember I can't. This week I just wanted to call and ask her when she knew my sister was a lefty because I think Jax might be a lefty. There are so many things I just want to ask her and I want to share with her that I will never get to this side of heaven. And dang it... it's just hard!

I've decided that grief, for me, has been like a blanket. Some days it is all consuming. I am completely covered and wrapped in it and it totally consumes me. Some days, I embrace it for just a bit. I have a good cry, sometimes I call someone and sometimes I sit alone... but I don't spend my entire day under the blanket. And some days I see the blanket... but it is a nice sunny day and I can just look at the blanket and know that it is there, but choose not to get under it.

If you are grieving... whether it has been 7 minutes, 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, 7 years, or 7 decades... don't let anyone make you feel like there is a right or wrong way to do it. Grief is personal and everyone does it differently.

I love my mom. I miss my mom. And not everyday is overwhelmingly hard, but today I'm just wrapped up in my grief blanket.

Life here on earth is a journey we all venture through... good and the bad and the hard... thanks for joining me on mine.