So this fast is not going how I thought it would go. I am only
in week 2, so I am sure I have time for things to change, but thus far… not at
all what I expected.
First of all, I didn’t expect it to be hard. I thought the
hardest part would be picking out the clothes, the rest would just be follow
through. This is false. It is hard. It is time consuming and a lot (LOT) of
washing and wearing the same dang clothes. I lost one of my t-shirts for 2
days, it got put in a pile of the kids clothes. When you are down to 7 articles
of clothing that makes for a frustrating 2 days.
I thought I would have some miraculous, life changing thing
happen in my brain about the way I view myself. That I would somehow just
appreciate being comfortable in my own skin and the clothes I wear would not
matter. This is also false. I do not feel this way. It is day 10 and I am
already really sick of the clothes I am wearing and really just wanting to
cheat all the time. I want to just say the heck with it, I am not learning
anything, let me wear something with color and doesn’t have to be washed before
I go to bed.
Here is what I know to be TRUE…. I am having a really bad
attitude about this fast. I don’t know if that means that this is my biggest
idol, the area that has the worst strong hold on my life, and I am resisting
what God is trying to teach me? I don’t know if it means I have not allowed my
heart and mind to be open to what I should be learning? I don’t know what it
means. All I know is that my attitude stinks! I have a few moments over the
last couple of days that I thought God might be trying to teach me a lesson,
but my mind was so closed to being frustrated with the clothing I “had” to wear
that nothing came through.
As we were getting ready for Landen’s kindergarten graduation,
I was in my room getting ready. Eleni came in. I was in the same sun dress I
had already worn 3 times in the last week, my hair was frizzy, and I had a
giant zit on my chin. I was mad that I was going to look like junk for this event
(because clearly kindergarten graduation is about what I look like- sarcasm
intended). Eleni stood there looking at me and said, “Mommy… you look so
beautiful when you where that dress and those pretty shoes and your hair is
down and long and beautiful”. And instead of embracing and taking the moment in
and teaching Eleni something in the moment, I said, “thanks El, go get a brush
so I can fix your hair.” Then proceeded to be irritated that the only dress I
had clean was going to show my huge bandages on my legs and I didn’t feel
“pretty”. What a waste! What a missed opportunity. Why am I so selfish that I
couldn’t take the time to invest in a valuable moment with my daughter? I am so
disappointed that I was so caught up in me, that I let the moment pass by.
I don’t think God wants us to feel ugly. But I also know that
He has the power to make us feel more than “pretty”, He has the power to make
us feel BEAUTIFUL, if we will only let him.
Pretty-adjective; pleasing or
attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness
Beautiful-adjective;
excellent of
its kind: wonderful;
very pleasing or
satisfying.
 |
| Eleni's excellent sense of style :) |
I don’t want to be just pretty; pleasing or attractive to the eye. I want to be excellent of my kind; wonderful; pleasing
and satisfying. I want to be all these things and not limited to what you
see on the outside. When I see Jesus at the pearly gates I don’t want Him to
say, “Well done my pretty girl”. No. I want Him to say, “Well done my good and
faithful; excellent of your kind; wonderful; pleasing and satisfying faithful
daughter of mine”.
I need a change of heart. I know what I should be learning
this month and I am fighting it with my utmost effort. If you are reading this,
please pray for a softening of my heart and for me to be open to the learning
possibilities of this month.
As I opened my “Message from God” that is delivered to me
daily… I once again know that God is putting all these things in my path, just
waiting, ever so patiently, for me to jump on board. My message: You are only as free as you imagine yourself to be. There
is nothing "out there" that's holding you down, - you are limiting
yourself only with your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even
the "cannot" and the "should not", but the places where
your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for
you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.
Two passages of scripture I am meditating on tonight:
1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your
adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry,
or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the
heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's
sight is very precious.
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